Much to your dismay, the Latin phrase cognito ergo sum or I think therefore I am, does not entail I think therefore I think intelligently. Observe: once upon a time (which closely resembles now), patriarchy was the in-shit. If your dick was large enough (flaccid or erect, we don’t discriminate) to be recognized as a dick, your status on the hierarchical blood filled totem pole superseded that of a women’s. While I know Hilary Clinton would get her panties in a bunch and then insert them into the mouths of the architects of such a grossly sexist paradigm; the Democratic party did not exist when patriarchy was conceived. But, other human beings did. A few in particular used fear to maintain the paradigm's health. They gave fear the title of monotheism. Monotheism was ruled by an omnibenevolent, omnipotent, omniscient (O to the 3rd) being. Turns out, O to the 3rd has many hedonistic (human like) tendencies. He liked to, like us, lie and kill and oppress and make up arbitrary rules for things. For example, O to the 3rd told Adam, the first man on Earth, to tell the first women on Earth, Eve, that she would die if she touched the fruit of knowledge. She touched it, and didn’t die. O3 loves to punk out his people. This other time, some six thousand years ago (when the world was created) there was a man named Abram, who lived in the great trading city of Ur. Ur’s people worshipped lots of gods, for they were polytheistic. Then, O3 told Abram that he wasn’t allowed to hang out with his other deities anymore. So, Abram obeyed. This one time, my girlfriend told me I wasn't allowed hang out with my friends anymore. I broke up with her. She has jealousy issues. O3 does too. Also, O to the 3rd has a list of ten things you can’t do. Provided below is the National Institution of Intellectuals Internationally’s modern translation. Observe:
1.O3 wants you for himself.
2. No statues (including decorative gnomes and James Dean posters).
3. Don’t be chilling in your yard or doing psychedelics in the presence of said gnomes and/or posters...the consequences could parallel that of Mafia fashion. Dads, lock up yo girls (and boys).
4. Don’t insult O3 by misusing his name, he’s sensitive.
5.Sundays are special (except when the Packers play early).
6.Monday through Saturday you gotta keep busy.
7. But remember, Sundays are special -- even for alien residents.
8. For O3, in spite of his omnipotence, rested on the seventh day, after he conceived the world.
9. Don’t steal your parents alcohol.
10.No poppin’ caps in asses (or any appendage/body part that will result in death).
11.Don’t sleep with your brother’s wife (unless he’s dating Elizabeth Hurley).
12. Do not steal rubbers from Walmart, they’re people too.
13. Don’t tell your neighbor’s wife that you saw her husband bangin’ Mrs. Wellendowed from down the street when you know that he did not.
14. Don’t be wishing you had your neighbor’s lawn equipment and/or wife/husband, go to the next neighborhood and do your wishing politely, and privately.
15. That’s not ten.
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